The best of friendships are those that stand the test of time. However, reality is not all friendships are ’forever,’ though we seldom want to admit it. Maybe your bond dissolved because of a major fight you had, where some savoury words were exchanged, with no one making an effort to reconcile afterwards. Or maybe you just simply drifted apart with both of you not having enough energy to keep the friendship alive. Perhaps, because of major life changes like being absorbed in a new career or becoming a mom you no longer had enough free time to nurture your bond. Whatever the reason, losing your closest friend can leave you feeling hurt and despondent. Letting go and moving on is no easy task either, but it can be done. We had a heart to heart talk with Tamy Moyo about how to heal-and-move on after a friendship break up. By Tapiwa Mhlanga
What is your current interest?
I wouldn’t want to call it a current interest but it’s always been an interest and will forever be an interest and that’s making music. I really enjoy making music in my own space; getting creative; experimenting with different ideas to come up with a music video that I really like.
What is your idea of a perfect day?
I don’t really have a superlative idea of a perfect day. I think it’s just basically spending time with people that I love – my family and my loved ones. And obviously people that I love make me laugh a lot. My perfect day is just spending time with them, getting to catch up and share jokes and probably eating out nothing too complex.
If you had to be on a reality TV Show which one would it be and why?
It will obviously have to be The Real Husbands of Hollywood. I am such a fan of Kevin Hart. I think that he is extremely funny. I’m all about good vibes, good people and a good laugh. So I definitely would love to be a part of that. Also, there are a lot of people that come on the show…A lot of different celebrities that I’d love to meet and have a chat with and just share a laugh with. And I think that’s what makes the show great.
Tell us about your friendship (that came to end)
Well ….. I had a friend I grew up with and we used to go to the same school. We were really close; we were like family until we had to go to different schools at some point. And because of that we grew apart. She started to make new friends and so did I. Nevertheless because we had been friends for a long time and we had been family to each other we tried to maintain our friendship but every time we came together it seemed as if we really had nothing in common. My friend was also caught up in that other side of their life were they were chatting about other people in most of our bonding times she would be on her phone. And then I just gave in. I stopped reaching out because I felt like I was holding this friend back.
By the time she tried to come back a little later on; things were totally different because I had chosen a career path where I had to be really devoted and married to my music. So when we tried to chill, I was now the one who was always consumed in work. And I think she grew insecure and complained about why I’m always hanging or chatting with other people maybe during performance or after …why so many people talk to me. So it became difficult to try and maintain a friendship that is based on someone’s insecurities. Well I can’t really say “insecurities” because it’s understandable. My friend didn’t understand then how the music industry works and so she felt a little threatened by the fact that I get to meet and talk to a lot of people. Hence, I guess that’s how the friendship fell apart. We still talk but it’s not the same anymore.
I knew I had to give in and sort of move on when I realised that she didn’t understand what exactly was going on with my life and the career that I chose. I felt a little judged by them because I chose an unconventional career path. You know the career that everyone typically expects a child to have like a lawyer and a doctor?! I chose to be an artist. So it was difficult for them to understand though they always supported me and had my back which I appreciate. I can’t really say either one of us ended/called off the friendship. It’s just something we came to accept with time. Nonetheless, there is always room to reconcile and try to rebuild the relationship but it takes a lot of understanding which I hope and pray that one day they will have.
How did you find strength to move on?
Well I found strength in knowing that we both loved each other and that my friend would always be supportive of me. I couldn’t blame my friend for not entirely understanding my musical pursuit and so I told myself that maybe one day they will come to understand it. I also found strength in the fact that as an individual I know what I want in my life and I can appreciate those who don’t understand what I’m trying to do and those who do. So I just decided to do my own thing and let God do the rest. If the friendship is meant to be it would somehow patch it’s self up.
What did you learn from this relationship?
I think the biggest lesson that I learnt is definitely that some people will come in your journey up to a certain level and then after that it’s on to the next level. So you have to be willing to accept that when it happens. Also, don’t force relationships. Don’t force friendships. Just do what is meant to be done in that season and God will certainly show you whether that person is a lifetime or seasonal friend placed to teach you one or two life lessons. Moreover, I learnt that it’s very important to always know what you want in life and to never let anybody get in the way of that not even a friend. Always stay true to who you are and what you believe in and real friends will always support you no matter what.
How do you know it’s time to end a friendship? / What are some tell-tale signs that the relationship has become toxic?
I think first and foremost if you’re a Christian like me you obviously ask God for guidance. You ask Him to show you who is and isn’t meant to be in your life.
Some tell-tale signs that a relationship is now toxic are: when your friend becomes displeased about your progress in life; they demean you around other people; they are insensitive to things that are happening in your life and if you constantly find yourself having to apologise for everything because in your friends eyes you are always the one at fault. All these are signs to show that you’re in a toxic relationship that has probably run its course. I think one needs to value them self enough to say that this friendship is not healthy for me and walk away.
What are your thoughts concerning holding on to friendships that no longer serve us just because we’re afraid of letting go?
I think it’s a very dangerous thing to do. Toxic relationships should just be cut off. The reason being in trying to please someone or in trying to stay in line with someone who isn’t good for us, it causes us to lose a part of ourselves. It’s OK to be afraid to lose someone but you don’t want to lose yourself in trying to keep someone.
What are some common causes of a friendship breakup?
Distance; jealousy and sometimes in girls cases, a guy that’s come in between the two of you.
Any advice or tips on how to move on and heal from a friendship breakup?
Never compromise your character for other people. Once you do that and begin to focus on building yourself, you are bound to meet people who will like you for who you are. From then onwards I think it’s the start of something new and something good. Also open up your mind to the possibility of creating new friendships. Lastly, pray for God to heal your heart. Sometimes it’s so painful to lose a friend that you feel humans wouldn’t understand it at all.
Any tips for meeting new people and making good friends?
The realest and truest friendships come when we are just being ourselves. So I think the trick to making good friends is just allowing yourself to be you then you never have to compromise your character for anyone or try to please anyone just so you can stay in their click or good books. Another tip is to go wild and have fun once in a while. Treat yourself and you never know who you will meet – where and when.
Thank you Tamy…