I loved someone a lot. I swear I turned my life into a counselling room; trying to figure her out. Every effort seemed to make her even more distant. Usually people say those are the signs that someone is cheating, but that is just the problem, she wasn’t (well I can only be 90% sure of it but that’s not the point). It felt like she was fighting her own war and no one could ever understand that, let alone come to her aid. In the terms of a world absorbed with moving on and not paying attention, I would say, ‘she had issues’. But the thing with issues is they can be dealt with, this was different. It felt permanent, like it was a part of her I had to either live with, or walk away. Her personality was a double edged sword; she was such a free spirit, bubbly, lovely, lively, all the things that make you smile and want to be a part of someone’s life. But when her nights got dark, they got dark alright and nothing would make her smile, not even herself. On those days I felt horrible, depressed. What people need to understand is that when you love someone, you don’t want to play Saviour, but you would give the world to see your partner happy, hence the effort.
I could never understand how it was okay for me to let her be. This is where Hilzy’s song comes in, ‘repeat after me, you are enough…’ Depression is an illness and just like any other illness, you cannot rid of it, it’s the person’s responsibility to deal with it and take their prescribed medication, you can only be a pillar of support when they truly feel they need it and ask for it, otherwise the more you try to force your help, the more likely you are to lose them, and yourself. You are enough as a partner, because even if you shred your skin, and build an altar and sacrifice yourself, you can’t heal them. Make peace with that reality; you cannot heal them, but you can help them to get the help they need.